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PART 8: " Feeling Low & Lovin' It:
A Peek At The Taboo of Humiliation ",
By Master Erik, Publisher
"Beat me, hurt me, make me write bad checks...treat me like the pig I am!" - Andrew Dice Clay
"Humiliation
play," sometimes also called "erotic embarrassment," is a powerful but
often misunderstood aspect of BDSM play, and one I conceive more
questions about than any other single type of BDSM activity. Put most
simply, it's any kind of activity in which one person says or does
something that causes feelings of embarrassment, shame, or humiliation
in the other. This can be something as simple as "dirty talk," for
example by using terms like "slut" or "whore" to refer to your partner,
or it can be as complex as creating situations that are embarrassing to
your partner, like exposing him or her nude in front of others or
walking him or her around on a leash.
Mention "humiliation" to many submissives---and some Dominants too---and
they may cringe at the very idea. But is humiliation inherent in all D/s
relationships? From the requirement for a lowered gaze, to kneeling, to
elaborate humiliation scenes, D/s partners work to achieve, maintain
and extend submission through acts and attitudes that "humble" the submissive.
Because different people have different emotional triggers, the range of activities involved in humiliation play is huge, and what one person finds embarrassing another person might not react at all to. For example, some people find it very embarrassing to be naked in front of others; some people don't. What's humiliating for one person might not cause any reaction in another; humiliation play is about the feelings it produces, not the activities themselves.
I've spent a lot of time thinking about that! Humiliation play is something that's relatively uncommon even among folks who are otherwise quite enthusiastic about BDSM; it's important to understand that this is not something that everyone who likes BDSM does.
The appeal of humiliation is very difficult to explain to people who don't understand it. It seems to be one of those things that either you get it or you don't, and if you don't, it's just degrading and objectifying and awful. Certainly I've known plenty of people who have a strong squick response to humiliation.
For some people, humiliation and shame provoke a very visceral response; under the right circumstances and with the right people, there is an immediate sexual arousal attached to it. It's always dangerous to try to attach a "why" to someone's turn-ons, but one possible explanation is that we grow up in a society with a strong "Puritanical streak" that teaches that sexuality is something "shameful". A lot of people go through periods of intense shame during puberty...especially if they grow up in repressive or sex-negative environments (Catholic schools: I know all about you...and I'm looking at you here!). It starts off with feelings of arousal and sexuality provoking responses of shame and guilt; and those two emotional experiences become linked, so eventually feelings of shame become coupled with feelings of arousal.
For other people, it seems to be the powerlessness and the sense of helplessness or objectification associated with many types of humiliation play that really do it. I can understand this; on some visceral, irrational level, which has nothing I can see to do with anything in my past or any of my experiences---control of the humiliation cranks my motor!
It's not associated with any kind of trauma I experienced while I was growing up; it has nothing to do with any past event, or with trying to work through problems in childhood; for whatever reason, a strong psychological control dynamic just flat out gets me the fuck off BIG time!! It's a purely irrational thing that in some ways is like what I imagine having a foot fetish or a cross-dressing fetish to be like; something that makes no sense to a person who doesn't have it, something that has no logical reason; simply a "quirk in the wiring" or whatever that makes this particular stimulus really, really arousing.
For some people, maybe.
I have talked to a few people for whom various types of BDSM, including humiliation play, is a direct response to some specific form of trauma. I've known people who explore BDSM as a way to get through or to gain power over some event or some part of their lives that was harmful or damaging--and I think there are both healthy and unhealthy ways that people do this. But as with any other form of BDSM, it's certainly not true that only people who have past trauma of some kind will enjoy it. In fact, other than administering the occasional cathartic beating, I'm actually quite skeptical about using BDSM to deal with trauma; I think it's just as likely to make things worse. It's not about being made to feel degraded or worthless. There is a difference between activities which are humiliating and activities which are degrading!
The two may seem similar, at least superficially, but they're not quite the same. Humiliation play is still play; it's done because you and your partner enjoy it. It isn't real. For example, if I call my girlfriend a "slut," or a "nasty little cockwhore", it's because she likes the feeling of being a sexual person, and the terms "slut" and "whore" have high emotional associations with someone who is highly sexual. Those emotional associations can, in the right context, be a powerful turn-on. But it works because it isn't real! She knows that I have a tremendous amount of respect for her, and when I use the word, it's not because I feel that she is worth less as a person!
I think you can very easily have a Top/bottom relationship without any humiliation, but when it comes to D/s it will be there, just because of the fact that one person is Dominant, the other person is submissive...one is in a position of power over the other, one has a "higher" position. This is why I feel that we all are into humiliation to a certain extent; some just a little, some of us a lot. For example: If your best vanilla friend, who knows what you are into, would witness an OTK spanking, would he/she think "How humiliating! how can you do that?" Or if he/she could observe you kneeling in front of your Dominant, or see you kissing his feet, would that look humiliating to her? It most likely would, but it feels natural to you because you probably do it a lot, and it does not feel humiliating to you because you are used to it.
So yes---we all play with humiliation, we all humble ourselves for our Dominants. And, I do feel that humiliation is the essence of D/s play. Boundaries of humiliation are the ones that are stretched the most, with many participants not even realizing that what they are doing is a humiliation scene. So why does humiliation have such a bad name among participants in this lifestyle? Is it because they look at the word "humiliation" with vanilla eyes? If that be the case, why not look at the word "beating" with the same jaded look? A beating is a good thing in a BDSM relationship, but it is a bad thing in a vanilla relationship
. And, w-h-a-t kind of relationship are you in?
Humiliation is not about making someone feel bad about themselves; it is a tool to humble the submissive, to make him/her do things for the Dominant that would not normally be done for anyone else, to show submission. If it is used to make the submissive feel bad then it is abuse.
Being called names, like slut, whore, little girl is humiliation. Being put over someone's knee and spanked is humiliation. Being tied to a table with your butt up in the air is humiliation. Being watched going to the bathroom or made going to the bathroom is humiliation.
A friend of mine, a long-time submissive in the community, whom I asked about the subject of humiliation said this:
"If someone, even my Master, were to tell me that I'm a fat pig, I would not feel humiliated in the SSC way that we use humiliation, I would feel insulted. If my Master calls me his nasty little slut or his little cock whore I just go into subspace! Humiliation puts me into subspace like nothing else. Doing things for my Master that I would not do for anyone else is an awesome feeling ...impossible to describe. It is that "I would do anything for him" feeling, that "he truly owns me" feeling ...being truly his and under his control. When he softly whispers in my ear "Only a real nasty girl would get that wet from a whipping" I'm just gone, it's over, I'm his. Being called names, like slut, whore, little girl is humiliation. Being put over someone's knee and spanked is humiliation. Being tied to a table with your butt up in the air is humiliation. Being watched going to the bathroom or made going to the bathroom is humiliation. And they all are a huge turn-on for me!"
You can ruin a good relationship by not recognizing triggers. You can have talked and discussed for hours ... triggers can sneak up on you, they come out of the subconscious and they can ruin it all if not acted upon properly. Something that might seem like a very simple thing to me can be a trigger for someone else that ends the scene or maybe even the relationship immediately! Another important aspect is aftercare. Hugging, cuddling, talking -- the knowledge that the Dominant respects the submissive as a partner. Humiliation is not there to take someone down and leave her there. It is a tool to take someone down and build them back up, even taller then they were before. The submissive has to be sure that the Dominant knows who he/she really is, and that he/she knows what is being given with submission.
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