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"Kink In The City"
By Keri, Featured Columnist
The Power Of “No”
No.
As in no thank you. As in “I really can’t do that for you today and maybe not even tomorrow”. As in, no way. And sometimes even, as in fuck off!
Lately, this kinky girl has been learning the power of that one, single syllable word. No. Being someone who identifies as a slave, my automatic response too often is to say “yes”. Yes to that Dominant who asks me to clean his house from top to bottom on a weekend even though I had just a grueling week at work. Yes to all of the volunteer opportunities that come my way. Yes to that play date when my body is begging me to please, please, please stay at home and watch some lame 80’s movie that night. I feel guilty for saying no. Guilty for setting boundaries because I feel like I am not being of Service. Guilty because I am putting myself first. So, so guilty! I mean, isn’t that kind of selfish? For a slave? And then the crash happens. I wind up sick. I become irritable and a 100% pain in the ass. And then, well then, I am of no use to anyone or anything because I have reached the point of exhaustion. Repeat after me. No.
Honoring my “No” is taking some getting used to. Moving past the discomfort of disappointing others is not always pleasant. Getting past the “hey, I really don’t want to do this, but I should so I will…” and actually not doing it is taking some time. And there are moments when it feels pretty uncomfortable but it is getting better. Easier. Less painful. And as I am doing this, I am learning that my own ego has been working overtime here. No one is going to die if I say no.
That play partner is not going to crumble into a heaping ball just because I can’t make a play date. I am pretty sure that he’ll live and if he really needs to beat the crap out of someone, well, I have plenty of phone numbers of other bottoms who would be happy to participate in whatever wrong and sick little scenario that he is itching to indulge in. And really, although I love to volunteer, San Francisco is a Kink Mecca after all and I am kind of thinking that there are plenty of other people out there who are more than happy to step up. The world works just fine without me when I say no. Better than fine even.
No.
As in no thank you. As in “I really can’t do that for you today and maybe not even tomorrow”. As in, no way. And sometimes even, as in fuck off!
Lately, this kinky girl has been learning the power of that one, single syllable word. No. Being someone who identifies as a slave, my automatic response too often is to say “yes”. Yes to that Dominant who asks me to clean his house from top to bottom on a weekend even though I had just a grueling week at work. Yes to all of the volunteer opportunities that come my way. Yes to that play date when my body is begging me to please, please, please stay at home and watch some lame 80’s movie that night. I feel guilty for saying no. Guilty for setting boundaries because I feel like I am not being of Service. Guilty because I am putting myself first. So, so guilty! I mean, isn’t that kind of selfish? For a slave? And then the crash happens. I wind up sick. I become irritable and a 100% pain in the ass. And then, well then, I am of no use to anyone or anything because I have reached the point of exhaustion. Repeat after me. No.
Honoring my “No” is taking some getting used to. Moving past the discomfort of disappointing others is not always pleasant. Getting past the “hey, I really don’t want to do this, but I should so I will…” and actually not doing it is taking some time. And there are moments when it feels pretty uncomfortable but it is getting better. Easier. Less painful. And as I am doing this, I am learning that my own ego has been working overtime here. No one is going to die if I say no.
That play partner is not going to crumble into a heaping ball just because I can’t make a play date. I am pretty sure that he’ll live and if he really needs to beat the crap out of someone, well, I have plenty of phone numbers of other bottoms who would be happy to participate in whatever wrong and sick little scenario that he is itching to indulge in. And really, although I love to volunteer, San Francisco is a Kink Mecca after all and I am kind of thinking that there are plenty of other people out there who are more than happy to step up. The world works just fine without me when I say no. Better than fine even.
And the funny thing is that as I am
saying “No” more often, my tolerance for bullshit is also lessening. I am realizing that I really and truly don’t
have to stick around in a situation that is not working for me. I don’t have to continue to play with that couple
who fights every time we have a threesome because clearly they haven’t figured
out what they want or need when it comes to non-monogamy. I don’t have to say
“yes” to that guy who continues to bite me on the neck even though I have told
him like a thousand times not to chomp on me from the shoulder up. I don’t have to passively endure things that
don’t feel good. I don’t need a Master
to protect me. Or cherish me. Or honor me.
I can protect and honor, and cherish myself. And really, who wants to Own a slave who cannot find it within herself
to stay safe, protect her boundaries, and respect herself? Not the kind of Master that I am looking
for, that is for sure…
So there you have it. This kinky girl is embracing her “No” and will continue to move past the guilt and discomfort even when all of the muscles in her body want to scream out, “Yes”. And in the long run, I am beginning to see that I am of true Service when I am rested and when I have taken some time for myself and done other things that bring me joy. I am refreshed and centered and more able to give that Dominant 100% of my focus and adoration. And those who I Serve deserve that. So in the long run, I am not just saying “No” for the benefit of myself, but also for them and for my future Owner. Wow. When I think of it this way, the guilt seems kind of unwarranted. When I say “No” everybody wins. Good to know.
Oh---but just in case you haven’t figured it out, my saying “No” does not mean that I want to say it everyday and all the time. So please, if you do have that desire to do that sick and wrong scenario that you have been itching to indulge in and were thinking about giving me a call, please do. That lame 80’s movie can wait!
Take care of yourselves people. And each other. Because it is a rough world out there. This world of Kink in the City…
So there you have it. This kinky girl is embracing her “No” and will continue to move past the guilt and discomfort even when all of the muscles in her body want to scream out, “Yes”. And in the long run, I am beginning to see that I am of true Service when I am rested and when I have taken some time for myself and done other things that bring me joy. I am refreshed and centered and more able to give that Dominant 100% of my focus and adoration. And those who I Serve deserve that. So in the long run, I am not just saying “No” for the benefit of myself, but also for them and for my future Owner. Wow. When I think of it this way, the guilt seems kind of unwarranted. When I say “No” everybody wins. Good to know.
Oh---but just in case you haven’t figured it out, my saying “No” does not mean that I want to say it everyday and all the time. So please, if you do have that desire to do that sick and wrong scenario that you have been itching to indulge in and were thinking about giving me a call, please do. That lame 80’s movie can wait!
Take care of yourselves people. And each other. Because it is a rough world out there. This world of Kink in the City…
