Dear MissT,

I have been dating this great guy for a  few months now. He is not kinky at all. This is really distressing to me since I am kinky and I love it. There is nothing better than having sex that involves some spanking, and bondage. I have tried to show him what I like but he says he does not like it. When I press him, he says it feels violent and he cannot bring himself to spank me. How do I make him kinky?

You cannot make him kinky. No matter how much you might wish he were into your sexual kinks, it sounds like he is not. You have tried to show him what you like and he does not feel comfortable doing what you ask. Some people are not wired the way us kinksters are. Deep down they feel like they are being abusive if they are bringing anything other than tender loving into the bedroom. My guess is you have done all that you can with him when it comes to kink in the bedroom. Now you get to decide how important those activities are to you. Can you live without them? Is he willing to let you play with others so you can get your kinky fix? Only you can decide these things, but you cannot force anyone to do anything they don’t want to do.

I am worried about my sister who is involved with this man who is into BDSM and tells her to obey everything he says. He claims it is part of his religion to have women submissive to him and that God and the Bible give him this right. The worst part is it seems like more and more she is not calling me back or wanting to see me. She once confided in me that sometimes he beats her when she does something wrong. Last time I talked to her she told me not to worry about her and that this is his will. Do you think this is BDSM or is it something else? What can I do for her?

Honestly, I personally can’t stand it when someone claims their religion makes it so women are inherently submissive and that it is a form of BDSM. The type of BDSM I practice is safe, sane and consensual with a HUGE emphasis on consensual. I say this because there have been times I watch a scene and wonder if someone is being safe. I then have to step back and question my assumptions about what makes a scene safe. I then realize that the people who are playing have given their consent to this type of play. This is when I need to not be judgmental and keep in mind that there types of play that are not how I desire to play.

It sounds as though you sister is in an abusive relationship. What makes it seem this way to me? The two biggest red flags are the fact he is keeping her from you and your family and he has beaten her when she does something wrong. You give me the impression that she did not consent to having her behaviour corrected in this manner. You sister might have become so entrenched in this relationship that it is almost as if she has been brainwashed into believing she must follow his will.